


Never Really Yours

by TheRainbowSys



Category: Hamilton - Fandom
Genre: John is sad, M/M, Reynolds Pamphlet but Lams, au thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:08:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22271581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRainbowSys/pseuds/TheRainbowSys
Summary: A modern AU where Alexander posts the Reynolds Pamphlet online. Explores John’s heartbreak and slight mental breakdown.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	Never Really Yours

The words echoed in my brain. 

_My real crime is an amorous connection with his wife..._

_I had frequent meetings with her..._ Every word, every syllable- every breath was a reminder of the pain he’d put me through. My Alexander. My dear boy... how could he?

“It’s because you’re worthless.” One of the voices hummed. “He never loved you in the first place...”

“First Eliza, now this. Don’t you see, he prefers women...”

“No wonder he refused to come to bed...”

“Shut up!” I yelled, rocking, covering my ears, rocking more. Had to shut them out. Had to shut them up.

“Leave me alone, leave me alone.” I sobbed, fingernails clawing at my arms. Had to get them out. Needed to find a way out, needed to stay in control. 

My cries and screams alerted my husband. He didn’t know that I knew- it’s a wonder what you can find on the internet these days. He hadn’t even tried to hide it. “John!” What he did know, however, was that I was on the verge of an episode. I couldn’t register what I was doing. 

“Get out. Shut up, get out... go away.” I sobbed. Still rocking. Constant movement, constant noise. Shut them out and shut them up. 

“Jacky. Baby, it’s okay. It’s me, it’s your Alexander.” I was in his arms. He was rocking me, humming. He knew what I needed. But he’d hurt me. He’d cheated on me! 

“You’ve seen the way he looks at those Schuyler sisters... it was never you. You were a distraction.” 

“SHUT UP!” I screamed. 

Alexander flinched, but held on and rocked faster and hummed louder. When my cries only got louder, he sang over them. “I’m here, I’m not going... it’s okay... it’ll be okay...” He promised. 

“Go away, go away...” I sobbed brokenly, desperate for peace. I just wanted them to leave me alone. If they left me alone, I wouldn’t feel so worthless. Maybe if they left me alone, I wouldn’t have seen that post. Perhaps I imagined it all? That had to be it. They invented it. I couldn’t let them win, I couldn’t be mad at Alexander. 

“Lex, help me. They’re making me paranoid... you wouldn’t cheat on me. I know you wouldn’t...”

Alex tensed up. “Jacky, baby. Let’s get you better. I need you to calm down for me- breathe, my darling.” He insisted, deliberately avoiding the topic. 

“Tell me! Tell me you didn’t cheat on me!” I screamed, clawing at my arms with my nails. He gasped and took both of my hands in his to stop me hurting myself.

“We’ll talk about this when you’re better, John. Alright?” “No! Just tell me now that you didn’t cheat on me!” I yelled, terrified by his deliberate avoidance of the subject. 

“We are not having this conversation right now John.” Alexander said sternly, still holding tight to my hands. 

“Because he’s lying. If he hadn’t cheated, he’d say straight away that he didn’t do it.” 

“SHUT UP!” I screamed desperately, scaring the hell out of my husband. 

“What are they saying, Jacky baby?” He asked, grip on me tightening. 

“You think he’ll believe you? Seriously?”

“He was never really yours.”


End file.
